I learned from a friend of mine that her mother was staying with her for close to a month after her first baby was born. I was amazed at that fact. I had my mom with me for about a week and a half and my mother-in-law for one week, and by then Curt and I were ready to have some time on our own. I’m sure we could have used more help, but not sure I could have taken either grandmother for a full month at that point.

Dealing with the grandmothers has been a struggle for me, mostly because Curt and I are bit of control freaks and the grandmothers love Cole so much they want to be involved in everything. Again, we’re very thankful of how much our moms love us and Cole, and I know the underlying reason for everything they do is their desire to help and be involved. I really do know that. But it doesn’t make it any easier. This topic has come up in several conversations with fellow moms, so I figure it’s a common problem for mothers andI'm hoping you can relate.

My mom just wants to help so much, but she hasn’t had to deal with an impatient baby or crazy toddler in 30 years and therefore her reaction time isn’t what Curt and I are used to. That frustrates us because we could do it faster and easier, which would equal less whining and crying from Cole (and sometimes me). So, I get frustrated when she tries to help out and end up doing it myself. My mom is also very sensitive, and I’m not always the most tactful when I step in and take over. I’ve got to do better on my end, and hopefully she’ll eventually learn not to take things so personally.

On the other side, my mother-in-law is super mom. She was a single mom for most of Curt’s life and therefore used to having to do it all on her own. When she’s around Cole, she doesn’t understand why I don‘t do it all too. Why shouldn’t I be able to do it all; entertain him for hours, cook, feed the family and do the dishes while singing “The Wheels on the Bus?” She did that and loved every minute of it. I just have a different mentality about family life. Curt and I wanted parenting to be a partnership, so I’m lucky to have a very helpful husband who enjoys and wants to be involved in all of that and I have no issues with letting him. She just has a way of making me feel like an under-qualified wife and mother because I don’t do things they way she would. The way I see it - she should be proud she raised such a loving man who found someone who isn’t threatened by that.

I know these are personal hang-ups I need to work through. So, I started asking for advice. Here’s what I’ve found - hoping it might help some of you. (I am going to start repeating these words to myself before any grandma visit).

"Because grandmothers have gone through motherhood before, they sometimes can’t help themselves when they’re around a child to instantly start mothering. It doesn’t mean that grandma is always right when she gives advice or starts parenting your child, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to do what she says. But it means she’s probably coming from a place of good intentions."

Parents should know their stance on various issues (for me, food and discipline are the big ones). As parents, you are ultimately responsible for calling the shots for your kids. Be confident enough in your abilities that grandma's opinions won’t shake you. “You don’t need her approval, so don’t behave as if you do.”

Be patient and listen to grandma’s advice, but there are ways to decline it without sounding short. Here’s one I liked, “I sincerely appreciate your input, but this is a situation where I’m asking you to respect my decision for my child.”

If she says something so obvious such as “keep an eye on that cough,” answer with, “Of course I will, but thanks for the reminder.”

My biggest issue is remembering that I’m a good mom who does everything she can for her little man and knows him better than anyone. So, when the grandma tries to feed him sweets behind my back, I can just say, “I know you like giving him yummy foods because it makes him happy, but I’d appreciate you being up front with me. He’s already at the top of the weight/height charts and we’re trying to watch what he eats.” 

Let’s all take a moment to tell ourselves we’re good moms and the pushy advice we get from grandma will bother us no more.