The only thing worse than having such trouble trying to breastfeed your son is having no one around who understands what you were going through. Of course I had friends who breastfed their little ones and there was the support group at Hilton Head Hospital – which was great (and whether you‘re breastfeeding or not, I highly recommend it). But the ones around me 24/7 such as my husband, mother and mother-in-law had no idea of the emotions that went along with this struggle.
As much as I told myself that I’d try breastfeeding, but if it didn’t work for us, no big deal. I was formula fed and so was my better half and we turned out just fine. That was my idea pre-baby. But when I got into the trenches – giving up wasn’t so easy. Maybe because that’s how I saw it - as giving up. The worst part was that no one in the house understood that. Things were different a generation ago – breastfeeding wasn’t popular. It was all about the bottle. So, mom and mom in law just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just give him a bottle and be done with it. The worst part was how I couldn’t explain it accurately to them if I wanted to. Why was it so hard for me to “give up?“ Those were two very lonely weeks. I’m sure some of you moms out there know exactly what I mean.
The first few weeks of Cole‘s life seemed like a cruel experiment on how to feed your baby. As I said before, I was so surprised at my commitment to breastfeeding. Before I gave birth, I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding, but also knew I might not have the best equipment for it. I think one of the requirements of those last visits to your OB should be a breast check. That’s where the doctor would inspect your breasts if you’re considering breastfeeding and talk to you about any possible issues he/she notices from what they see. I went to breastfeeding classes and read lots of books and of course there was talk about how much it could physically hurt, but we never really talked about the emotional hurt or the alternatives (what to do when it doesn’t happen right away).
In my case, it never really happened. I tried shields and all sorts of tricks to make it easier for him to eat “naturally,” but none really worked. For those two weeks, we supplemented with formula or some of the milk I could pump. Our means of feeding him progressed over time. We started with cup feeding, and that was too messy. Then, the pediatrician suggested using a syringe to squirt it into his mouth. That was ok, but not very productive. Our final method was using the syringe with a tube hooked to the end. We would insert the tube in his mouth with our finger so he could practice the sucking motion. When people came by to visit and saw us feeding him out of a tube – the looks on their faces said it all. But at that moment I refused to give up.
It made the middle-of-the-night feedings even more unbearable. I would try to breastfeed for about 30-45 minutes and then pump while the hubby would tube feed him and then I’d try to get him to go back to sleep. Finally, at one of our weigh-ins for the little man, the pediatrician looked at us and said, “It’s ok if you can’t breastfeed naturally. Your body just wasn’t made for it. But what you can do is pump and try to give him as much of your milk as you can – but from now on just do it in a bottle.” So, that night, I bottle fed him and it was much easier on all of us. I cried of course, and am tearing up right now as I relive that time. But it did allow him to get more nutrition and not long after, he finally got back up to his birth weight.
Some of you are thinking, “I can’t believe you did all that.” Some are thinking, “I can’t believe you ‘gave up’ after only two weeks.” Everyone has different views on this subject. As I said, I’m still surprised at how passionate I was about doing everything I could. But what I realized is that it’s my job to do what’s best for the baby. At the end of the day, that was most importantly making sure he was eating enough and gaining weight. Secondly, once I stop trying to force the breastfeeding issue, Mommy and Daddy were much calmer, happier parents. As you know, a happy mommy equals a happier baby.
