Congratulations, you are about to embark on an amazing journey. It is a journey in which you will learn more things about the female body than you ever (likely) wanted to know.
I advise you to keep that to yourself.
Yes, be disgusted and silent. Be awe-stricken and steady. Be shocked and stoic. For as the partner of a pregnant woman your mission is clear: Shut up and thank God that you are man, and for the love of God don’t say that out loud.
You see, the pregnant woman undergoes more challenges than you could ever imagine.
Sure you’ve watched your favorite team lose its quarterback in pre-season. Perhaps you’ve been jobless, maybe you’ve lost a limb in a shark attack, or even been intricately involved in the planning of wedding.
But have you ever looked upon your own belly and seen a tiny foot trying to push its way out? Have you ever been walking through a grocery store and had a complete stranger rub your belly, smile, and say something deeply unsettling about angels? Have your co-workers ever suggested your entire moral compass should be drawn into question because of the decisions you may make as a parent?
Dads-to-be get cigars and mini-jerseys with their favorite player’s number. Moms-to-be get the full weight of God, Country, the Feminist Movement, Elevated Blood Pressure, and Indigestion. That’s right, it’s OK to praise the fortune of your gender. Just do it quietly.
And so it is that I offer you these five tips as you embark on this journey.
Tip 1: No one cares about your virility
Really, one shot and you were done? Don’t spread that news. First, it’s the epitome of TMI and really no one wants to hear those three little letters conjoined. Secondly, it’s extremely distasteful. I’ll put it plainly: Act like you’ve been in the end zone before. Really.
Tip 2: Be a Player’s Coach
Look, we all know you completed reading What to Expect when You’re Expecting and Dr. Spock. We also know that you know more about folic acid than most practicing OB/GYNs. But, she’s doing fine. Seriously, you’re not carrying the kid. You have no idea what she is feeling, and by listening you may just learn something not in a book.
Tip 3: Celebrate the Burger (and other comfort foods)
Pickles are not the only thing pregnant women crave. Remember the baby actually tastes food in utero. Make the kid a burger lover. They are high in iron and goodness. And hey, who doesn’t need more goodness in their life?
Tip 4: You can’t actually pummel that guy
At some point you will be in a situation in which some guy – could be mom’s co-worker, could be someone at church, could be aforementioned grocery store freak – violates mom’s private space and touches the belly. You will want to, but no, you can’t crush him. The kid will need you, Dad, as in, not in jail.
Tip 5: Your say in name selection is wildly over-rated.
In the early 1990s there were probably thousands of little boys in the Orlando-area named after a prolific NBA center who would go on to win his rings in Los Angeles. You see where I’m going here? Chances are that if you are a good man, involved, and desire it to be so, the kid will get your last name. Let Mom choose the first name. Seriously, she chose you. Trust her judgment.
Oh, and good luck, Dad-to-be. It’s going to get crazy.
